Category Archives: survivor

Time to make some changes.



Change. We all go through it whether we are ready or not. It’s programmed within us to adapt, to allow for change and to react. It can be scary, it can also be enlightening and liberating, or it can be in the form of a huge hurdle that seems almost impossible to overcome.

I have been a little quiet the past few months dealing with my own changes and most importantly, learning how to change myself to be happier and more appreciative of myself. I inadvertently stopped blogging, posting on social media and even stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I felt disgusting in my own skin, and for someone who has gone through so much health wise and changes with their body – this was the final straw for me.

After my last BB competition in July last year where I didn’t look my best because of stress catching up to me at the very last minute, making my body do some crazy things and holding a crazy amount of water and fat – I blew out. Now for those who don’t know what I mean by ‘blew out’, I ate anything and everything in sight as soon as I stepped off the stage. I still went to the gym and hit some impressive numbers with my lifts (probably the only bonus of this horrible time for me) but I was hurting so much inside and felt absolutely useless and like a disgrace. I had dieted for 20 weeks and then just threw it all away and gained so much weight I no longer recognized myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hated myself for what I had become.

I was downright depressed. I had Chronic Fatigue settling in, my glandular fever was making a comeback and my Ostomy was flaring up with horrible irrigation as a result. My health both mentally and physically was appalling. I had spent just over 2 years repairing my digestive system and regaining my menstrual cycle after not having it for 6 years since falling ill, and I felt like I was the biggest failure as a result of my epic food binging.

I had every intention to compete at the Arnold Classic in March but it just was not my time, and was not for me. I could not put my body through any more drastic dieting or excessive cardio. I realise now that my heart wasn’t in it either and I wanted to compete for all the wrong reasons – Bodybuilding for me is all or nothing, and if your mind isn’t in a good place then competing is off the table. This is also why I have zero plans to compete again in the near future. I simply do not have that fire or passion that I had for my first competition prep, and until that fire ignites within me again I will not be putting myself through another arduous process.

Fast forward to today, where I have completed changed my nutrition and training habits, and have taken responsibility for it as I now look after myself. I now follow IIFYM (If it fits your macros/flexible dieting) and track everything I eat and it has been the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. I don’t eat excessive amounts of junk food, but rather I eat more volume in my food and variety. I have the choice without feeling guilt to eat a burger and chips as long as it fits. I went from a standard ‘high repetition’ training program back to lifting heavy and working my strength back up – I am now lifting for me again. I have changed from doing all the things that didn’t really make me happy, to doing things that make me excited to wake up in the morning and to go to the gym and to no longer avoid coffee dates with friends or steering clear from a blueberry bagel. I have changed the way I see myself and the way I see food and it really is a beautiful thing. (If anybody wants help with IIFYM or training let me know – preacher over here!)

I changed my job as well in the past 2 months. I had a job that allowed me to travel and work in countries like China, Thailand and Malaysia but the hours and demanding workload meant that I had no time for my partner, friends and family or most importantly myself. I now work for the University I studied at and I am so happy there in my new role. I had to change my work mentality and understand that I will no longer see my ‘work family’ every day who I had grown very fond of over the past 3 years, and realised that it was now time for me to grow professionally in a male dominated field with most people being double my age.

In the past few years I have experienced a lot of change. Some of it good, some of it bad and some of it… I still don’t know how to feel about. I had to change my attachment to people because it became all too clear that some people no longer served me and I valued our friendship more than they did. Yes it sucked. It really did. I changed the way I saw myself and what I thought I deserved. I changed my circle and those I held dear and close. What once was large, is now small and refined – somedays I get a little upset that I no longer have a large circle but other days I am more than content with those I have around me.

In order to change, we must identify what surrounds us and what is no longer doing us justice or making us happy. Happiness and wellbeing are so damn important and I cannot stress enough the importance of being happy and healthy on the inside before you see the changes on the outside – not just the physical, but what you emit.

I’ll do my best to write more – sorry I have been MIA. Changes were happening 😉

IG: @_kaitb E:

Celebrating a decade of living

Ten years ago today, marks the day I first contracted Salmonella food poisoning. It’s also the day that I learnt to appreciate the power of my own strength, and became well aware of the faults in the medical system and the faults in people around me. Little did I know that eating out at a fast-food company that begins with the letter S and ends in Y (Fill in the blanks!) would completely change my outlook on life and change my health for what some would consider the worse – but I see it as the best thing that could’ve happened to me.

I was coming into this day not knowing how to feel; I was a basket case of emotions. Happy and proud one minute but sad and angry the next. My partner told me to take it all in and to just appreciate today for what it is – pretty good advice. Reflecting on everything that has happened over the past ten years has made me realise that I am all the better for what was thrown at me. I now wake up everyday with purpose and live a life where the options are limitless. I take nothing for granted and appreciate even the smallest of gestures and the little things that often go unnoticed. I am a better, stronger, more determined young-woman and I do not hold any animosity for the cards I was dealt with.

I may never be able to go camping, eat popcorn or go sky-diving but if there’s one thing I know for sure, it is that my zest for life is more prominent than most and I will never say no to an opportunity.

So, I leave you all with the ten lessons I have learnt over this past decade. I hope you can learn and take something from them.

One: Always trust your gut (Pun intended!)

Two: Put yourself first at all times

Three: The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one you will ever have. Be kind and love yourself.

Four: Make time for those who make time for you – you are not a one-way street.

Five: Go for your goals no matter how ridiculous they may seem to others.

Six: You are capable of a lot more than you think.

Seven: Let people in.

Eight: It’s okay to be vulnerable (every once in a while)

Nine: Surround yourself with people you can gain something from.

Ten: Never back down.


When You Step off Stage and the Tan Eventually Fades

It seems like every day we are constantly told that we are simply not good enough. We have people on one side telling us we are too skinny, others telling us we are on the larger side and then there are the haters who think that if you’re a female with some muscle mass that you’re going to evolve into Wolverine overnight.

I have been labelled everything mentioned above. It’s as though others think they have the given right to be callous and share their nasty opinions when it’s unwarranted and completely unnecessary.

When you undergo a body transformation of whatever kind it may be – losing weight to fit into that cute bikini for summer, gaining some weight to feel better from the inside out or losing fat and gaining lean muscle mass – it’s not only your body that goes through some significant changes, it’s also your mind. Without the mental capacity to push yourself through some gruelling workouts when on a low-carbohydrate diet, with your body tight from yesterdays workout you are ultimately setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. This then progresses to the mental games that your mind likes to play. You may make excuses for missing a training session, miss a meal or think you deserve a deliciously greasy burger because you have earnt it; when in fact these will all set you back and will then progress to feeling guilty and a vicious cycle then occurs.

During comp-prep I am on the money. I train with vigour, deep intensity and with purpose. I know that in 15 weeks I am stepping on stage in a tiny, red bedazzled bikini in front of a crowd of strangers being judged purely on my appearance and aesthetics. My diet is spot on and I stick to it religiously. Each meal is weighed right down to the gram and I carry my five meals with me everywhere I go, and will eat wherever I am – even whilst driving or at a concert. It’s a disciplined sport and I am a goal-orientated person. If I set myself a task I will complete it to the best of my ability, even if it means juggling a lot of commitments at once the job will always get done.

Like most competitors, I do suffer from post-comp blues as they call it. It’s a time where you come off a complete ‘high’ from having competed and looking your best and feeling like a million bucks, to then coming back down to reality and feeling at a loss. What do I do now? What do I have to work towards now? What most people do not understand is that you cannot remain stage-lean all year round – Unless you are my coach Maria Andriano who has a phenomenal physique that she maintains year-round and is incredibly disciplined, more so than anyone else I know.

I have never had a real issue with binge/emotional eating until July this year, or if I did it certainly amplified tenfold. This is me being completely honest and frank. No smoke and mirrors here, I am being very black and white with no grey in between. My first comp was the standard ‘rookie’ error thinking I could eat what I wanted and still train and keep my body in check – boy was I wrong. My binge eating spiralled out of control before I got a good handle of it and dropped some weight for my overseas holiday at the end of last year. I used the extra food I had been shovelling down my throat to fuel some really good lifts and pack on the much needed muscle mass I have now so it did have its pros and cons.

My comp in July of this year was possibly the most difficult prep for me. Training, diet and motivation are easy for me. I am an incredibly motivated person as I mentioned before, but life threw me some serious curve-balls this time around and it played some serious mental games with me after competition. I began emotional eating. I was in a car accident two weeks before comp and being under 25 years of age I was slapped with hefty insurance excess leaving me in debt. I was having difficulty in my private life and it was showing on my body with what I was eating, which leaves me where I am today back on the ‘muscular thick’ side like I was post-comp last year.

I am not proud of overeating, but I am also not ashamed or embarrassed by it. What’s done is done. I cannot go back in time and un-eat all the food I have consumed, but what I can do is work towards healing my mind and my body and this is what I am doing right now and I feel that I am accomplishing this ongoing task. Once again, I am going away in 9 weeks at the end of the year where I plan on donning a bikini on the beach and looking mighty fine whilst doing so. I have set myself a goal and I am going to stick to it. I will treat it like a comp-prep and use it as a means to drop some weight before I do choose to compete again next year which will make it less taxing on my body with having to drop a smaller amount of fat through intense diet and training rather than a large amount like I did last prep.

I will be accomplishing this mini-goal I have set myself with my coach Maria Andriano tweaking my diet and training programs to suit my needs and help me reach my goals in a holistic and natural way. She knows what foods work best for me with my trusty bowel which chooses to be erratic with its tolerances and intolerances with food, so I have full confidence and faith that we can drop the much needed weight to get me to where I want and need to be before I start prep again. My training will be done at a place that should be called my ‘second home’ but let’s face it, I spend more time there than I do at my actual home – City Gym, Darlinghurst! There’s nothing better than walking through the doors at 5am and being greeted with a smile from the team of staff who don’t even ask for my membership card, I just walk on in like I’m part of the furniture. As always, City Gym will be my domain for making the changes to my physique that I have set myself.

To anybody else stuck in a rut with their body image, I urge you to set some goals. Short term goals are great in the lead up to your final goal which may be just fitting into a cocktail dress or looking your best for a photoshoot. If you’re anything like me, setting goals will help you tremendously and when you ‘accomplish’ a goal you have set for yourself, it definitely will urge you to keep on pushing and continue onto the next one.

Don’t give up. Put your trainers back on and hold your head high regardless of what others are saying. There is no need to hang your head in shame for over-indulging, all it will do is make you feel worse about yourself and even more of a recluse, and this is when the mental games will begin again and again. Over and over.

Walk with purpose. Move with intensity. Look intently. Speak with confidence. The rest will all follow suit, and fall into place.

Remember, it’s not a sprint.